With Dachshund Duo Fritzy van der Byl and Worsie van Barkhoven-Snufflebottom
🐾 The Great Velvet Harness Debate
In which two very different dachshunds weigh in on fashion, function, and what it means to be a very long dog in a very tall world.
Fritzy’s beard bristled. His cravat twitched. His whole demeanour vibrated with disapproval.
“A velvet harness, Worsie?” he exclaimed, eyes squinting in dismay. “The very idea! It’s entirely impractical! Mud-absorbent! Historically inaccurate! And don’t even get me started on what Queen Victoria would have said—”
“Queen Vic didn’t have 20 million followers on Facebark, Snoutstagram, and TockTrot,” Worsie said, fluffing his harness. “Not to mention my wildly popular Subsnack. I’m not here for royal approval. I’m here for impact.” interrupted Worsie van Barkhoven-Snufflebottom, lounging elegantly under a hanging succulent. His harness was burgundy, embroidered with tiny crowns, and yes, it sparkled.
“It’s not about function, Fritzy. It’s about feeling. Velvet tells the world I’m gentle. Deep. That I’ve known heartbreak... and survived.”
“You survived being denied a second biscuit at brunch,” muttered Fritzy.
“Exactly,” Worsie sighed. “And that biscuit represented hope.”
And thus begins the tale of two dachshunds: one driven by duty, the other by drama. Both long of back, short of patience, and ready to debate the soul of the sausage dog.
🎀 Meet Worsie van Barkhoven-Snufflebottom
Miniature long-haired dachshund. Internet icon. Existential snack philosopher.
Worsie is what happens when glamour meets gravity. His ears shimmer like caramel curtains. His Snoutstagram captions include quotes like, “My legs are short, but my dreams are tall.” He once trended globally after refusing to walk past a puddle he called “emotionally reflective.” He has never chased a tennis ball — “they always bounce away, just like trust,” he says.
But behind the drama and the high-pitched whimpering at the groomer, Worsie is a real dachshund. He sunbathes. He snorts. He demands toast crusts and takes naps shaped like a croissant. And he’s here to help us understand what it means to be a doxie in the modern world — from new coat colours to the eternal struggle of being underestimated because of your leg length.
“Some days,” he confides, “I feel like a sausage in a meatball world.”
The Longest-Living Dachshund on Record
“A dachshund named Chanel lived to the age of 21, earning her a Guinness World Record as the world’s oldest dog at the time.”
Source: Guinness World Records – Oldest dog ever
📌 Fun spin: That’s long enough for Chanel to have outlived most trends, close to five rugby world cups, and at least 400 squeaky toys!
📸 Worsie’s Harness Photoshoot (Much to Fritzy’s Horror)
Between sighs, Worsie gracefully positions himself beside a potted bonsai.
“Shoot from my left,” he instructs the photographer. “My whiskers are in a state of quiet rebellion today.”
Fritzy, muttering from behind a gardening hat:
“In my day, we posed in mud. Mud! Not under golden-hour ring lights with soft jazz and a stylist named Kayleigh.”
Worsie doesn’t respond. He’s busy adjusting his tail to a more “emotionally powerful curl.”
🧐 Enter Fritzy van der Byl
Standard wire-haired dachshund. Archaeologist. Part-time Uni lecturer. Founder of the “Society for the Preservation of Proper Doghood.”
“Enough velvet!” Fritzy barked. “Enough sequins! Enough hashtags and heartbreak captions! This is a breed piece, not a doggy daydream!”
He clambered atop a stack of books titled Burrowers of Empire: A Canine Timeline. No one asked for this lecture. He delivers it anyway.
“The Dachs-hund emerged in 15th-century Germany as a dog of valour, bred to confront that most stubborn of subterranean adversaries: the badger. A creature of claws and poor manners. Much like certain pup-influencers I could mention.”
Fritzy takes great pride in being a standard wire-haired dachshund.
“Wire-haireds were the final and most refined coat type,” he says. “We were developed for harsher terrain — and, arguably, for superior intellectual pursuits. There is something in the wiry brow that encourages deep thought.”
He pauses to polish his monocle. (He doesn’t need one. He says it’s for “lecture ambience.”)
“We come in two sizes: standard dachshund and miniature dachshund. One built for badgers, the other, I presume, for Snoutstagram.”
He glares. Worsie yawns.
🐾 The Great Dachshund Identity Crisis
Where velvet meets vermin history, and Snoutstagram glory collides with ancestral grit.
Worsie: “We dachshunds are evolving, Fritzy. We’re more than our burrows now. We’re poets. Icons. Some of us model harnesses in Paris. Some of us speak... emotionally.”
Fritzy: “You speak in hashtags, my boy.”
Worsie: “#WoundedButWagging.”
Fritzy: “We were bred to face down badgers, not mild existentialism and avocado toast!”
Despite their differences, both agree on the basics:
- Origin: Germany, 15th century
- Purpose: Badger hunting
- Coats: Smooth, Long-haired, Wire-haired
- Sizes: Standard Dachshund (7.5–15kg) and miniature dachshund (under 5kg)
- Temperament: Brave, clever, stubborn, and surprisingly loud for a dog the size of a teapot.
Worsie: “We may be vertically challenged, but we are spiritually towering.”
🎨 Of Dapples, Dilutes & Designer Drama
Fritzy spots Worsie’s new coat shade. His monocle fogs.
Fritzy: “We do not come in lilac. We are dogs, not macarons!”
Worsie: “Yet here I stand. I sparkle. I swish. Genetics has become fashion.”
Traditional Coat Colours (Fritzy’s Favourites)
- Black & Tan Dachshund
- Red Dachshund
- Chocolate & Tan Dachshund
- Wild Boar Dachshund (wire-haired only — very tweedy)
Designer Coats (Worsie’s Domain)
- Dapple Dachshund (emotional marbling)
- Double Dapple Dachshund (beautiful but risky — can cause hearing/vision issues)
- Isabella Dachshund (a trendy fawn)
- Blue Dachshund (steel grey with potential skin sensitivities)
- Cream Dachshund (soft, regal, occasionally dramatic)
Fritzy: “Style must never eclipse soundness.”
Worsie: “Sequins, yes. Suffering, never.”
🍗 “Kibble and Consequences”: A Nutritional Interlude
Fritzy perched himself beside a bowl of neatly sorted kibble samples — lamb, duck, and “some kind of fish with a suspiciously artisanal label.” He cleared his throat like a dog about to recite the terms and conditions of proper feeding.
“May I remind the audience,” he began, “that nutrition is not a lifestyle choice — it is structural integrity. Small dogs like us require specially formulated food — high in protein, calorically appropriate, and, most importantly, designed for our proportions.”
Worsie looked up, nibbling the corner of a sweet potato dental chew.
“Is this about teeth? I’ve never had a single tartar tantrum in my life. My molars sparkle.”
Fritzy didn’t flinch.
“And you are fortunate, Worsie — but luck is not a strategy. Dachshunds are genetically inclined to dental disease. Their small jaws and tight spacing make them prone to plaque buildup and gum issues, which, if left unchecked, can cause tooth loss, pain, and—heaven forbid—a decline in snack performance.”
Worsie gasped. “You mean... a croissant could hurt me?”
“If you’re not careful, yes.”
He gestured dramatically toward a bowl of crisp, high-quality dry food.
“This,” he said, “is not just kibble. It is dental hygiene in a bowl. Dry food, especially when formulated for small breeds, has the appropriate texture and shape to encourage chewing — not inhaling — which gently scrapes the teeth and reduces tartar formation.”
“So it's like... a toothbrush but you get to swallow it?” Worsie mused.
“How terribly efficient.”
“Indeed. And let us not forget,” Fritzy continued, “that these formulations are also crafted with precise levels of calcium, fat, and micronutrients to support spine health, coat quality, and general exuberance. In short — they’re engineered for the dachshund condition.”
“And the glamour condition,” Worsie added. “I’m switching immediately. Do they make it in duck à l’orange?”
“No. But they do make it in 'turkey and rice for sensitive digestion.' A noble compromise.”
They both chewed thoughtfully. Fritzy, for structure. Worsie, for enlightenment.
🏥 “We’re Long, Not Indestructible”
A candid confessional on dachshund health from two very different snouts
Fritzy thumps his paw with righteous indignation, as though he’s pounding a scholarly gavel in the halls of Canine Parliament.
“Enough whimsy. This is a matter of health, dear reader. You see, we dachshunds are what I call vertically economical and horizontally enthusiastic. Quite frankly, we’re the architectural opposite of a greyhound. All spine. No stilts. And therein lies both our glory... and our danger.”
He snorts gravely and lifts a paw in demonstration, gesturing to the general length of his back as though revealing an ancient scroll.
“Our elongated physiques make us highly susceptible to IVDD — Intervertebral Disc Disease. It’s a serious spinal condition that can cause anything from pain to full paralysis. And it most often strikes those who leap recklessly from furniture as though auditioning for a musical.”
Worsie, who has been quietly sipping rooibos foam from a ceramic pawprint mug, lowers it with a soft clink.
“I once attempted a mid-air traversal from pouffe to ottoman,” he says solemnly. “I miscalculated. I landed between them. It was... an emotional abyss. I haven’t trusted furniture since.”
Fritzy clears his throat sympathetically.
“This, dear reader, is why we implore you: support our spine. Always lift us with two hands — one beneath the chest, one under the hindquarters. No dangling. No letting us launch ourselves like sausage-shaped trebuchets off sofas, beds, or toddler-height ledges. And for the love of biscuits, invest in a ramp.”
He glares at Worsie, who is already scrolling through velvet ramp options online.
But spinal woes aren’t the only concern on the dachshund health horizon.
Other Common Health Concerns (With Commentary, Naturally)
Obesity
Fritzy: “A plump dachshund is not simply a grooming challenge. It is a biomechanical tragedy wrapped in fluff. Excess weight puts devastating pressure on the spine.”
Worsie: “I don’t snack. I emotionally graze. There’s a difference.”
Click to learn more about healthy weight in dogs.
Dental Disease
Fritzy: “Good teeth are a sign of good breeding and better discipline. Brush regularly or prepare for halitosis that could fell a pigeon.”
Worsie: “I brush thrice weekly with chicken-flavoured paste. Mint is a crime. And my teeefers are sure to stay in great shape now I know which foods I should be eating to help scrub off the plaque."
Fritzy: "Now you've got it Worsie."
Patellar Luxation (kneecap slippage — mostly in minis)
Fritzy: “My knees have remained in their rightful positions since birth. I expect the same from others.”
Worsie: “My knees are wanderers. Romantic. Easily distracted.”
Skin Sensitivities (especially in dilute coat colours)
Worsie: “If you’re going to be born in isabella or blue, prepare to moisturise. I use an oat-based serum and I still itch during existential crises.”
Fritzy: “That is... not medical advice.”
📘 Glossary
- Cravat: Fancy dog neckwear. Fritzy owns 17.
- Dachs-hund: “Badger dog” in German.
- Morphology: Body shape. For dachshunds: long.
- IVDD: Spine problems from jumping or excess weight. Serious stuff.
- Dilute colours: Light coats like blue or isabella. Pretty but sometimes sensitive.
- Double Dapple: Risky coat pattern needing ethical breeding.
- Breed Standard: Official breed characteristics. Fritzy’s bedtime story.
🎓 Conclusion: Two Dogs, One Destiny (and Several Ramps)
So what is a dachshund, really?
Is it the scholar with mud under his nails and a bark that could echo through the tunnels of history? Or is it the dreamer on a window cushion, staring wistfully at a leaf and composing silent poetry about puddles?
Is it Fritzy — with his encyclopedic knowledge, his championship agility past, his endless disdain for novelty coat colours?
Or is it Worsie — with his sparkly harness, soft sighs, and unshakable belief that his tail carries the weight of universal truth?
The answer is yes. It’s both.
Because to be a dachshund is to carry contradictions beautifully. You are small but mighty. Stubborn but soulful. Elegant in chaos. Loyal to the last kibble. A little bit ridiculous — and entirely unforgettable.
Fritzy: “We are not novelty dogs. We are a breed forged in tunnels and triumph.”
Worsie: “And yet, we wear that triumph… in velvet.”
And perhaps that’s the lesson: whatever type of dachshund you adore — smooth or long-haired, wire-haired or wildly dramatic — love them smartly. Pick them up gently. Protect their backs. Brush their teeth. Honour their past. And when they look at you with that long snout and those impossibly soulful eyes… give them the treat.
They’ve earned it. (See FAQ below for more info.)
❓ FAQ
Q: Are dachshunds good family dogs?
Yes! Loyal, loving, and often comically attached to one person in particular. They’re great with kids if socialised early, but may not tolerate rough play.
Q: Can they live in flats?
Absolutely — just give them enough walkies and mental stimulation. Boredom leads to barking. And “accidental” slipper shredding.
Q: Are they easy to train?
Let’s just say: they’re motivated by snacks, not your approval. Firm, consistent training with positive reinforcement is key.
Q: What are they like with other pets?
With proper socialisation, they’re fabulous. But remember, they were bred to chase small things that run. Proceed with slow intros and supervision.
Q: Do they need a lot of grooming?
Depends on the coat type. Smooth: low-maintenance. Long-haired: brush regularly. Wire-haired: needs hand-stripping (or a groomer who knows their stuff).
That’s it — the tail-wagging tale of the world's most opinionated breed, told by two very long dogs with very different views.
End of transmission. Cue the ear flops.
